i know it’s been a while (yet again) but i’m starting to love the spontaneity of my blogs. every single one is written in one sitting, completely unedited. and warning: this one is going to be a little deep and a little sad, because i want to be honest with myself, and with anyone who happens to be reading.
i’m not going to lie, i’ve been struggling. this happens to me every year. i feel like every single person i follow on twitter feels the same gray cloud looming over them during these ugly winter transition months, and if you don’t, boy are you lucky.
i used to think there was a some sort of solution to this dreary mood that can occasionally overcome me, some sort of higher power reassuring me that “hey mar! life is so beautiful when you look at the bigger picture!” but i feel like those lessons are too obvious. i could spend this blog post preaching about how it always gets better, because it does. i could talk about how there are good things in every day, because there are. but sometimes you don’t want to hear that it’s going to be okay, and i feel that. 100%.
if you read my last post, i feel incredibly guilty to inform you guys that i already broke my new years resolution. tisk tisk marah. i’m sure you all cared a ton. and here’s why.
starting on january 1, 2018, i had a vision. this was going to be my best video yet. i was going to film a clip every single day throughout the whole year, add in dates at the bottom of each one, and compile all of the videos to a song with fast tempo, to make a legendary end of the year video, showing how happy of a 2018 i had. proving to everyone that i found something good in every single day, just like i promised. at first i stuck with it, and i’m not gonna lie, it was turning out really really cool. to this day, every time i pull it up and play what i have so far, i feel undeniable happiness. up until february 15th, i hadn’t missed a single day. i had clips of my dogs, my best friend, my boyfriend, my parents, and even my waffles. everything that makes me happy. and then all of a sudden, i stopped.
mid february, i hit a major wall. taking the clips turned into a chore, and i think in every experience i’ve had thus far, when i begin to force myself to do things (going for runs, writing blog posts ((lol)), reading) i grow to hate it. my days turn into a routine, and this year my routine quickly became: go to school, do your homework, AND DON’T FORGET TO TAKE A CLIP!! and guys, i cannot let filming become a chore… not this. while i’ll still finish the project in the same format, i quickly removed the everyday criteria from my video. an important thing to remember is that you can’t force yourself to be happy. you can try all you want, but for most people, it’s impossible. admitting to yourself that you can have really really rough days, days where you can’t even force yourself to film something for three seconds, is an important step in growing into your mind and loving yourself that much more.
luckily, i’ve experienced worse. i know that this is just a little hump, and i am so excited for plans i have coming up. my life is on the upswing, so don’t worry about me or think that this is some cry for help, because this isn’t my first rodeo. i would just hate to think that someone close to me is faking their happiness.
be raw with your emotions, be genuine with yourself, and learn to appreciate the free willed beauties in life, and (with time and some good laughs) you will overcome absolutely everything. that’s a promise.
hang in there boys and girls, spring is just around the corner.